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Old 02-08-2009, 01:13 PM
MrSmith MrSmith is offline
 
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Post I cant control my tongue

Ive been married for close to 10 years. been going through a bunch of mess. I feel like i try to do what is right. yet in her eyes im doing something wrong. we have been going through so much mess that I dont want to be in the marriage anymore. the problem is Im Saved and its not as easy when you want to do the Lords will. (she's not saved [yet]) .

Today, she gets up asked our youngest to put on some cloths so they can go a few places. before she leaves I said. "were y'all headed". she said " to get something to eat and the grocery story, do you want to go" I said "no" about 2-3 min later she asked why I asked her that. I said to her, I guess Im just being nosey. she then said whats so different about today and any other day that I didnt want to go. I said I just didnt want to go. she then started to say, she doesnt believe me. I started saying, what was it that you dont believe. I was just being nosey, I didnt need to go. then she asked me again why I asked her that, is there something that i would have wanted? I mentioned that maybe I would have wanted something from a different store. then she started going on about me being unfare about how i treat her, and then I got lost. "treat you? how did I treat you?" Then comes all the questions and accusations from both of us. and this is all because I asked her were she was going.

during the conversation, we brought up old issues, new issues and even issues that havent even been published yet. she continues to say Im treating her mean and saying mean stuff to her. and she hasnt even considered the fact that she is no better than i am.

Here is the biggest hurt thats up todate:

Shes been wanting another house. she did research and we cant get another house yet. Ive been wanting another car, so i put off getting another car until we got the house.
She said "doesnt look like we can get the house for awhile so you may as well go and get a car" This was said a few times on different occations.
12/16/08 i got another car. 6,200 +tax and all that stuff comes to about 7,200. Im paying notes @ 230.00 a month.
Shes hot and bothered because her names not on it and I did it without her. she says " you did that just for you and didnt consider the family.
I appologised for weeks, tryed to take it back, put it on craigs list and even took it to carmax to try to get out of it because it hurt her feelings. nothing worked. I prayed the Lord forgive me, I wasnt trying to hurt her.
Yet every other day shes continually telling me how I went and bought a car without her help, without considering her feelings without thinking of the family the house hold expenses. she says. we have 3 kids, you didnt think about them. you only thought about yourself, she said everything she has, my name is on. but I got the car without her. this is on going sence i got the car.
I CANT TAKE IT BACK, I UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? thats what i said to her.
I really dont know what to do. I want to leave and not come back.

I pay every bill in the house and DO NOT ask her for a cent. all i did was buy a car to drive around in. OH you want to know what kind it is?

I previously drove a 1990 Acura Legend (4door) Currently has 225,??? on it. The new is an 2001 Saab 9-5 (4door) 86,000 on it.
She drives a 2005 Trailblazer, about 55,000 on it. she pays her own car note. I pay my own car note. I didnt thik i was ding something wrong. i just wanted something newer to drive.
someone please tell me what i did wrong. Tell me what im not looking at. Im willing to except my faults. Please tell me what I did?
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  #2  
Old 02-08-2009, 02:16 PM
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Here Am I Here Am I is offline
 
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Brother, it's not necessarily that you can't control your tongue. Based on what you have shared here, it sounds like she is acting like the world. Since she's an unbeliever, that is to be expected.

When I got saved, my husband was still unsaved, and it made things very difficult. The unsaved spouse doesn't understand what you have, your relationship with God, and can get defensive and antagonistic towards you.

My suggestion is to keep in the Bible, read His word more and more, asking Him to help you. Keep praying for your wife, too, not that she'll act a certain way, but that she'll get saved, too.

Her getting saved won't make it all better, but for me it's been easier, in some ways, since my husband got saved.

I'll be praying for you and your situation.
  #3  
Old 02-08-2009, 03:46 PM
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stephanos stephanos is offline
 
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Well, your wife does have a right to be upset. You did go make a large purchase without her being involved, at all. I just can't imagine how you thought that would be ok. I know you say that you pay the bills, and that you pay for your car while she pays for hers. Nevertheless, you two are one flesh, and you should be excited to make her a part of something that is that exciting for you. Didn't you marry her to share life with her? Don't you want to share those things that bring you joy, with her? Think about that, and think how that might make you feel if she pulled this on you.

Now, that being said, I want to say that I don't know all the particulars of your relationship, but what it sounds like to me is that you need to cultivate closeness with you wife. I'm not saying that you're mean to your wife or anything like that. What I'm saying is that you should make it VERY clear to her that you love having her close to you, and that you love being close to her. If you can do this, I believe that she will be more open to recieve Christ, because she sees in you the joy Christ gives you. I know that what I'm saying isn't so cut and dry, and that it won't be easy. But one thing I do know, is that your marriage absolutely needs this, and YOU need this. Divorcing your wife is OUT OF THE QUESTION. Do you understand that? I don't want to hear you talking about your desire to walk out any more. I want to hear how things are getting better between you two because you've loved her as Christ loves you.

One last thing; I have been praying for her salvation, nearly every night. So keep your hopes up brother.

Much Love in Christ Jesus,
Stephen
  #4  
Old 02-08-2009, 04:08 PM
MrSmith MrSmith is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stephanos View Post
Well, your wife does have a right to be upset. You did go make a large purchase without her being involved, at all. I just can't imagine how you thought that would be ok. I know you say that you pay the bills, and that you pay for your car while she pays for hers. Nevertheless, you two are one flesh, and you should be excited to make her a part of something that is that exciting for you. Didn't you marry her to share life with her? Don't you want to share those things that bring you joy, with her? Think about that, and think how that might make you feel if she pulled this on you.
I call you a Friend.

I realize what i've done. I stressed my deepest apologys to her. I didnt know what I did until after i did it. i tried to return the car (they said. sorry no can do). I tried to sell it at carmax (they wanted to give me 1/2 what i owe). I also put it online (no results), I did all this in the first week i had the car. Its been now 3 months and (well not exactly. 12/16/08 till today) and she continues to hold it over my head. I dont make it my business to making purchases like that. in the last 9 years shes bought 4 different cars. and I was still driving my old car (yes My name is included on her cars. Im not making that an excuse) Im just wanting my apologise to be excepted. im getting tired of being beat down over something I cant change.
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Old 02-08-2009, 04:17 PM
MrSmith MrSmith is offline
 
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I went to her and I spoke to her. I said " im not asking for a responce, you dont need to say anything". I wanted to tell her that I was wrong and I want her to be apart of any and everything i do. whether it be great or small. That I love her deeply and will make sure that what ever I did. she was included.

I didnt feel bad saying that because im being truthful. the problem is later when she gets bothered about something else. shes gonna bring something up that happened back in 2003.

The gripe i have with Selena is she refuses to let go of anyting Rico has every said or done from the day he said hello.
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Old 02-08-2009, 04:45 PM
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MC1171611 MC1171611 is offline
 
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Brother, unfortunately that's the way unregenerate women can be sometimes. I'm afraid that the only way to deal with the situation right now is to show the love and generosity that is in Christ. It might be a few months, or it could be years, but if you'll commit (to yourself and Christ; you don't need to promise anything to anyone else) to simply responding in love no matter what, there's no way that she'll be able to accuse you of not loving her.

The Bible says that the woman is the weaker vessel. That doesn't mean she's "weak," that means she's "WEAKER" than the man (I'm married so I feel ok talking about this now ). As men, we have to be protective of our wives, the same way we would protect and care for a priceless antique vase. When a woman feels loved, nurtured and cared for, she will be like a crown of honor to us, like the Bible says. Our part is to make our wives feel like the most beautiful, loved woman in the world. Once that happens, if she's saved, she'll gladly follow her husband (if she's right with God), and if she's lost, she'll see how much her husband loves her and has changed, and she'll very likely be more interested in Salvation than at any other time in her life.

I don't envy you your position, brother; having an unsaved wife is probably one of the worst positions a Christian could be in. All I can say is to stay close to God; He'll help you in ways that no one else can. Stay close to Him and stay in that Book, and you'll see God move in your life and in your wife's life.
  #7  
Old 02-08-2009, 09:50 PM
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Cody1611 Cody1611 is offline
 
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I'll be praying that your wife will get saved and that your marriage will get better. My advice is to put God first and obey the Bible.
  #8  
Old 02-08-2009, 11:50 PM
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stephanos stephanos is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrSmith View Post
I went to her and I spoke to her. I said " im not asking for a responce, you dont need to say anything". I wanted to tell her that I was wrong and I want her to be apart of any and everything i do. whether it be great or small. That I love her deeply and will make sure that what ever I did. she was included.

I didnt feel bad saying that because im being truthful. the problem is later when she gets bothered about something else. shes gonna bring something up that happened back in 2003.

The gripe i have with Selena is she refuses to let go of anyting Rico has every said or done from the day he said hello.
That's not your wife, that's every woman alive. I've seen adult men literally get into a fist fight over something and the next day act like they're the greatest of friends. Yet with women, even the smallest irritant can be held onto for decades. Seriously. I don't know if there is anything you can do about this fact, except to just take it and not personally.

Much Love in Christ,
Stephen
  #9  
Old 02-09-2009, 06:56 AM
JOHN G JOHN G is offline
 
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Hey ya'll,
There is a great study out there by Dr. Emerson E. Eggerichs called Love and Respect(www.loveandrespect.com). It is based on Eph 5.25-33. I am no pro at marriage (4yrs) by any stretch but the study was extremely helpful. Men are commanded to love their wives and wives are commanded to reverence (respect) their husbands. When men come across unloving, women tend to react disrespectfully and visa versa. Then the "crazy cycle" starts. However, the cycle "works" in the positive direction as well. Read Eph. 5 and check out the website.
In Christ
JMG
  #10  
Old 02-09-2009, 10:21 AM
Bro. Parrish
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Mr Smith, as a suggestion, you may want to seek out a Bible believing pastor in your area who can help you with some private marriage counseling for you and your wife. Bible based marriage counseling has made a difference for many couples, including those with an unequal yoke. I realize you may feel a desire to get on the internet with a group of people and discuss all these things about yourself, your wife and your situation, but in my experience (over 25 years of marriage and counting) personal interaction with a good pastor can help you truly seek and resolve any problems, and may save your marriage in the process. Your marriage deserves the best chance for success, and I wish you all the best...
 

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