Mods, if this is offensive, please remove. Made me chuckle though.


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Washington, DC -

President Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled Congress is

considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for

many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (a/k/a 'AWNAA')

is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates for the

millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition (a/k/a

'Persons of Inability', 'Inabled Persons' & the 'Non-abled').



"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and

drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in

society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer

stand by and allow Persons of Inability to be ridiculed and passed

over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to

grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they

have some idea of what they are doing."



In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi

and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the

U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing

opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent

of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single

largest U.S employer of Inabled Persons.



Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination

against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry

(68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). At the state

government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an

excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).



Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million

"middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles

but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of

purpose and performance.



Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so

as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable

employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to

corporations that promote a significant number of Inabled Persons into

middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and

medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for

every two talented hires.



Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more

difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example,

discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or

experience that relate to this job?"



"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who

have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her

position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due

to her inability to remember "righty tightey, lefty loosey." "This new

law should be real good for people like me," Gertz added. With the

passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens

will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.



Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL): "As a Senator with no abilities, I

believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be

extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as

lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of

his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this

great nation and an adequate salary for doing so."