[tonybones2112]

Originally Posted by Luke

It's no secret I have a lot of struggles. I try to just rest in God, but I have many doubts about a lot of things. My experience in life is far from optimal. I was raised in an anglican church and went to youth group and was confirmed at age 15 and went to sunday school and all that stuff.

I know now that at that time, I wasn't conscious of sin. I enjoyed it. I found any excuse I could to get out of church and when I was old enough, I stopped going altogether.

Around 2001, I started to find any interest in religious things again. I started reading online about different cults, especially the catholic church. I eventually came across Jack Chick's site and read "this was your life".

Here is where everything becomes hazy. I remember reading that tract, and I remember getting all teary and convicted, but that's all I remember. I remember thinking I am a sinner and I need Jesus, and that I was actually joyful.

But I don't remember whether I accepted him as my Saviour. I don't know what I thought of Jesus before that day, or the day after. After that day, and in the years following, I became a fornicator, amongst other things. I've said this before.

I don't remember a time in my life when I was convinced of sin, and got down on my knees and cried out to God and he saved me. I don't remember that ever happening. And 90% of baptist songs about salvation are all about "I remember the day, when the Lord saved me". Well, I don't. Because I don't know when it was.

I remember going to a baptist church and someone asked me "When were you saved" and I didn't really know how to answer, so I said something about that chick tract and ususally if someone asks me, I will mention it because it is the only clear thing I remember. But thinking back, I think I thought I was already saved at that time... or backslidden or something.. I don't know.

I've prayed a hundred times since then, when I doubt, to settle things. But it never gets settled. I've taken advice from preachers I have seen online and simply begged God to save me and wait for the feeling, which never comes.

My big issue right now is that I don't remember a time when I got saved. As far as I know right now, I am trusting in Jesus the best way I know. I am not relying on anything else to get me to heaven, and honestly, it's not even about heaven. I want to know Jesus, but I just don't remember when I was saved, so I doubt, because I do remember a whole lot of other stuff I have done, and something as huge as that escapes my memory...

EDIT: My Pastor wants me to see a counsellor, or psych or something. But I don't think I need to. I don't want to go on meds. I don't want to. God can heal this. I know he can. I just need His help.

Please pray for my depression. I seem to have good days, and bad days, and I have a constant brain fog.. I'm sorry if this thread is a repeat of before. I don't have any friends I can actually talk to. My Pastor is in America at the moment.

Luke, I have attention deficit disorder and it's sister, a form of depression known as disthymia. I am incapable of feeling joy or happiness. Well, the happiest I have ever been in my life was 1988 when we started our first church and it was going strong.

Luke, you need to understand, live, breath, eat, and be mummified in God's Grace.

I'm here anytime

Grace and peace

Tony