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Old 05-10-2009, 04:09 PM
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Luke Luke is offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
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I am so distressed today. I got a million thoughts running through my head.. doubts of salvation... I've always been taught "don't question the man of God" and last night I did. On IM, I tried to be gracious and say I was distressed at the lack of outreach.. the pastor replied and said "What would you like us to do about it?"or something to that extent..

But what can I say? We have these books at church from Sword of the Lord on wolves in the church, and one of the signs of the wolves is a desire to run the church.. so any suggestions I give I don't want to be taken as some kind of coup. I responded and gave an example of something that really upset me recently, and he never responded. Now, he may have had something urgent come up, but he still hasn't replied or said anything to me today via email or phone, and to be honest, I doubt he will.

I explained why I didn't go to church yesterday morning, and told him that I am afraid to talk to him because I am afraid of being called unfaithful again. I explained my anguish over the lack of soulwinning and his reply was

"so, that stopped you coming to church this morning?"

Once again, back to the faithfulness to church. I sat at the beach in tears because I was afraid of going to church. I can't listen to a man preach from the pulpit who does nothing outside of it. Granted, he takes a small Bible study on a friday night with a philipino family.

So now I am in a worse state than before. I can't talk to my pastor. He is unnaproachable (while at the same time, telling everyone they need to be servants to one another). I feel totally unsaved because I know he prays more than I do, reads the word more than I do, has a better relationship with God, and here I am, criticising his ministry and I just feel like a wolf, like an unbeliever. And on the other hand, I feel like I am a slave to the pastor, under bondage..

We went to a camp earlier this year that he was meant to organise. But he left almost everything to another pastor that was there. There was meant to be activities for the kids like horse riding, wall climbing etc.. but he neglected to organise any of it, despite it being on the flyers. It was embarassing. And it was hurtful to see how the other pastors spoke to their congregations and friends, and ours didn't speak to us once. In fact, I spoke to the other pastors more than I spoke to my own.

I almost left once before. I even wrote out a letter and was about to give it to the pastor.. it was over the same issue. But shortly after that, I confessed my secret sin to him and asked him to help me. He hasn't really to be honest. He will listen to me... I asked him, as my pastor, to have the password and alerts for the internet filter. He has never ever called anytime to see how I am, especially if he recieves an alert. Sometimes the filter triggers from innocent sites, like flickr or something, but if I actually try to access something, and a legitimate alert comes up, there is never a call. He might ask me after church on sunday.. a few days later, but that's not help.

I am stuck, tormented. I want to serve God and know God..

I really need to know what God wants me to do.