I cant control my tongue
 

Ive been married for close to 10 years. been going through a bunch of mess. I feel like i try to do what is right. yet in her eyes im doing something wrong. we have been going through so much mess that I dont want to be in the marriage anymore. the problem is Im Saved and its not as easy when you want to do the Lords will. (she's not saved [yet]) .

Today, she gets up asked our youngest to put on some cloths so they can go a few places. before she leaves I said. "were y'all headed". she said " to get something to eat and the grocery story, do you want to go" I said "no" about 2-3 min later she asked why I asked her that. I said to her, I guess Im just being nosey. she then said whats so different about today and any other day that I didnt want to go. I said I just didnt want to go. she then started to say, she doesnt believe me. I started saying, what was it that you dont believe. I was just being nosey, I didnt need to go. then she asked me again why I asked her that, is there something that i would have wanted? I mentioned that maybe I would have wanted something from a different store. then she started going on about me being unfare about how i treat her, and then I got lost.:eek: "treat you? how did I treat you?" Then comes all the questions and accusations from both of us. and this is all because I asked her were she was going.

during the conversation, we brought up old issues, new issues and even issues that havent even been published yet. she continues to say Im treating her mean and saying mean stuff to her. and she hasnt even considered the fact that she is no better than i am.

Here is the biggest hurt thats up todate:

Shes been wanting another house. she did research and we cant get another house yet. Ive been wanting another car, so i put off getting another car until we got the house.
She said "doesnt look like we can get the house for awhile so you may as well go and get a car" This was said a few times on different occations.
12/16/08 i got another car. 6,200 +tax and all that stuff comes to about 7,200. Im paying notes @ 230.00 a month.
Shes hot and bothered because her names not on it and I did it without her. she says " you did that just for you and didnt consider the family.
I appologised for weeks, tryed to take it back, put it on craigs list and even took it to carmax to try to get out of it because it hurt her feelings. nothing worked. I prayed the Lord forgive me, I wasnt trying to hurt her.
Yet every other day shes continually telling me how I went and bought a car without her help, without considering her feelings without thinking of the family the house hold expenses. she says. we have 3 kids, you didnt think about them. you only thought about yourself, she said everything she has, my name is on. but I got the car without her. this is on going sence i got the car.
I CANT TAKE IT BACK, I UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?:mad: thats what i said to her.
I really dont know what to do. I want to leave and not come back.

I pay every bill in the house and DO NOT ask her for a cent. all i did was buy a car to drive around in. OH you want to know what kind it is?

I previously drove a 1990 Acura Legend (4door) Currently has 225,??? on it. The new is an 2001 Saab 9-5 (4door) 86,000 on it.
She drives a 2005 Trailblazer, about 55,000 on it. she pays her own car note. I pay my own car note. I didnt thik i was ding something wrong. i just wanted something newer to drive.
someone please tell me what i did wrong. Tell me what im not looking at. Im willing to except my faults. Please tell me what I did?

Well, your wife does have a right to be upset. You did go make a large purchase without her being involved, at all. I just can't imagine how you thought that would be ok. I know you say that you pay the bills, and that you pay for your car while she pays for hers. Nevertheless, you two are one flesh, and you should be excited to make her a part of something that is that exciting for you. Didn't you marry her to share life with her? Don't you want to share those things that bring you joy, with her? Think about that, and think how that might make you feel if she pulled this on you.

Now, that being said, I want to say that I don't know all the particulars of your relationship, but what it sounds like to me is that you need to cultivate closeness with you wife. I'm not saying that you're mean to your wife or anything like that. What I'm saying is that you should make it VERY clear to her that you love having her close to you, and that you love being close to her. If you can do this, I believe that she will be more open to recieve Christ, because she sees in you the joy Christ gives you. I know that what I'm saying isn't so cut and dry, and that it won't be easy. But one thing I do know, is that your marriage absolutely needs this, and YOU need this. Divorcing your wife is OUT OF THE QUESTION. Do you understand that? I don't want to hear you talking about your desire to walk out any more. I want to hear how things are getting better between you two because you've loved her as Christ loves you.

One last thing; I have been praying for her salvation, nearly every night. So keep your hopes up brother.

Much Love in Christ Jesus,
Stephen

I call you a Friend.

I realize what i've done. I stressed my deepest apologys to her. I didnt know what I did until after i did it. i tried to return the car (they said. sorry no can do). I tried to sell it at carmax (they wanted to give me 1/2 what i owe). I also put it online (no results), I did all this in the first week i had the car. Its been now 3 months and (well not exactly. 12/16/08 till today) and she continues to hold it over my head. I dont make it my business to making purchases like that. in the last 9 years shes bought 4 different cars. and I was still driving my old car (yes My name is included on her cars. Im not making that an excuse) Im just wanting my apologise to be excepted. im getting tired of being beat down over something I cant change.:tsk::(

I went to her and I spoke to her. I said " im not asking for a responce, you dont need to say anything". I wanted to tell her that I was wrong and I want her to be apart of any and everything i do. whether it be great or small. That I love her deeply and will make sure that what ever I did. she was included.

I didnt feel bad saying that because im being truthful. the problem is later when she gets bothered about something else. shes gonna bring something up that happened back in 2003. :confused:

The gripe i have with Selena is she refuses to let go of anyting Rico has every said or done from the day he said hello.

Brother, unfortunately that's the way unregenerate women can be sometimes. I'm afraid that the only way to deal with the situation right now is to show the love and generosity that is in Christ. It might be a few months, or it could be years, but if you'll commit (to yourself and Christ; you don't need to promise anything to anyone else) to simply responding in love no matter what, there's no way that she'll be able to accuse you of not loving her.

The Bible says that the woman is the weaker vessel. That doesn't mean she's "weak," that means she's "WEAKER" than the man (I'm married so I feel ok talking about this now :D ). As men, we have to be protective of our wives, the same way we would protect and care for a priceless antique vase. When a woman feels loved, nurtured and cared for, she will be like a crown of honor to us, like the Bible says. Our part is to make our wives feel like the most beautiful, loved woman in the world. Once that happens, if she's saved, she'll gladly follow her husband (if she's right with God), and if she's lost, she'll see how much her husband loves her and has changed, and she'll very likely be more interested in Salvation than at any other time in her life.

I don't envy you your position, brother; having an unsaved wife is probably one of the worst positions a Christian could be in. All I can say is to stay close to God; He'll help you in ways that no one else can. Stay close to Him and stay in that Book, and you'll see God move in your life and in your wife's life.

I'll be praying that your wife will get saved and that your marriage will get better. My advice is to put God first and obey the Bible.

That's not your wife, that's every woman alive. I've seen adult men literally get into a fist fight over something and the next day act like they're the greatest of friends. Yet with women, even the smallest irritant can be held onto for decades. Seriously. :nod: I don't know if there is anything you can do about this fact, except to just take it and not personally.

Much Love in Christ,
Stephen

Hey ya'll,
There is a great study out there by Dr. Emerson E. Eggerichs called Love and Respect(www.loveandrespect.com). It is based on Eph 5.25-33. I am no pro at marriage (4yrs) by any stretch but the study was extremely helpful. Men are commanded to love their wives and wives are commanded to reverence (respect) their husbands. When men come across unloving, women tend to react disrespectfully and visa versa. Then the "crazy cycle" starts. However, the cycle "works" in the positive direction as well. Read Eph. 5 and check out the website.
In Christ
JMG

Mr Smith, as a suggestion, you may want to seek out a Bible believing pastor in your area who can help you with some private marriage counseling for you and your wife. Bible based marriage counseling has made a difference for many couples, including those with an unequal yoke. I realize you may feel a desire to get on the internet with a group of people and discuss all these things about yourself, your wife and your situation, but in my experience (over 25 years of marriage and counting) personal interaction with a good pastor can help you truly seek and resolve any problems, and may save your marriage in the process. Your marriage deserves the best chance for success, and I wish you all the best...

Yes, that is an awesome book...he's not King James only, but as far as good, practical marital advice, you can't beat that. It's funny, though; beginning to read through that book, I had already learned everything he talked about in practice, if not in term, by watching my parents interact and how they loved each other. Unfortunately most people don't have the tremendous blessing of growing up in a family with parents like mine, so Love and Respect is an incredible tool to help get a marriage back on track. Coupled with some pastoral counseling, it's almost unbeatable.

I think that's wives in general bro :P

My wife and I get mad at each other. Sometimes for example, I am thoughtless and just take myself off for a drive to find a nice place to speak to God. These times tend to come on in a hurry, usually while I am out doing something else, like grocery shopping, and instead of taking 40 minutes, I take 2 hours, and I get told off because my wife worries where I have been and we get in big arguments about it.

Regardless of her salvation status at the moment, it sounds like you both need to be more involved with each other. Why didn't you just go to the shop with your wife and son. Maybe invite your wife and son to go look for a new car with you (I realise you have seen the error of this move, so I'm not trying to upset you). I'm not implying the problem is you, but it's not all her fault ether.

The Biblical "onus" is definitely on you to make the first move of reconciliation, regardless of her response, and don't give up if she reponds wrongly.

God bless
Will pray for you Bro.

The Answer is Within
 

We all stand in this world challenged by our role in the ongoing battle between good and evil. No one, and I mean no one, can understand your struggles except you and God. There is ample evidence that discord among non-believing spouses could result in separation (see 1 Corinthians 7:14-17) because "God hath called us to peace." (v. 15). The Book of Proverbs says "It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and an angry woman." (Proverbs 21:19)

As the surviving spouse of a verbally and physically abusive marriage, I encourage you to read your Bible, seek Christian counseling, pray with your wife, pray with your wife, and pray with your wife. My spouse would not pray with me and condemned virtually everything about me because of my Bible, prayer, and church activities for many many years along with tons of other verbal and physical abuse. I pray that you will leave the material arguments behind, seek out your wife's companionship in your Christian endeavors, and at the very least eat dinner together at which time you lead a family prayer.

At the end of the day, only you can decide with God's input whether or not your marriage gives glory to God. God hate's divorce, yet at the same time He implores us not to judge one another. I encourage all the other brothers and sisters here to imagine that your world cannot be neatly described in their terms within the context of this thread. If they choose to take one verse from the Bible and make it absolute, then perhaps they should be willing to live by them all as well. Should they be so confident they stand pure in the face of the Law on their own, I would suggest the first one without sin step forward and throw the first stone.

May God bless you in your journey. Whatever your path, it is yours and yours alone. Take it seriously. I did.

If she will pray with you, do it constantly. As long as you argue over money or possessions, though, there is ample evidence you both need to change the focus a bit.

God Knows Best. Men tend to be busy and neglect to love their wives as they should hence the reminder in Ephesians. and women at times, which are many during their cycletic months of life, often don't FEEL like they love their husbands. it is their nature to rely on their emotions. so God tells them even if you don't feel you love them respect them. hence his command for them to show reverence to their husbands because God knows us better then we want to admit.

OK. This is what took place.

Oh Yeah, I know. Im not saying anything at all is her fault. I put all blame on me. I just want to be forgiven.

after i told her I was thinking of getting a new car, she said. ok. as long as its not a mini van. for a few days I looked on line and pointed out a few cars I had in mind, I asked her for advice on making payments, she went with me to test drive the one i was getting. she told me in her words to check out a few credit unions to find out good loans. I went to a credit union, and I qualified for the loan. BEFORE i went to sign the papers to get the car. I asked her ("Am I doing the right thing") her word were " would you go get the car" from that day until now. Im the scum of the earth, because she wasnt included in the purchase. She didnt sign the papers with me. she said "Im upset, everything I have has your name on it, I dont have anything with my name alone" I DO UNDERSTAND NOW that she should have signed with me, but its now to late. i feel bad. why cant she forgive me. I didnt kill anyone. I bought a stupit car.:confused:

Mr Smith,

I am an experienced senior pastor. and I have seen these signs in your marriage before with other couples.

I think you and your wife need to see a local Minister and sit down and talk. it is good to get advice from us. But from your last post you are having severe marital strain and you need to get together with her and resolve the issues and figure out how not to do them again. from someone in your area.

If you can say where your located I might be able to point you in the right direction. I wouldn't worry at this point if the Minister is KJV or not. you guys need some serious Bible and prayer time together and counseling .

if you can tell your wife that you recognize that their is a severe problem with your marriage and ask if she is willing to try and work things out. ask her to suggest a counselor I would try to steer here away from secular counseling. but maybe let her pick which church and minister she might feel comfortable with in your area. do this in your local area is the only way not through the internet.

we here will be praying for you.

My wife and I are both saved and baptized regular church going members. But that doesn't stop the differences between men and women.

Also, see Fireproof. Good couples movie.

I would not be letting an unregenerate woman decide where one gets biblical "councelling". Also, a "Minister" being KJV only IS a huge issue. I'm not going to list all the reasons why, since I'd imagine you'd know the reasons why.

Anywho, some folks sure are all bent out of shape about getting you two into councelling, but I'm not sure that's what you two need. I'm not even sure that's the job of the pastor of a church.

The point is is that your wife is an unsaved sinner. She is likely not going to want to hear what ANY pastor says. What's going to speak to her are actions, and consistency. MrSmith, you need to be strong and unwavering in your faith towards Christ and consistent in your love towards your wife. I believe I've already made those points. Never the less, those are what will bring your wife around. Also, you need to forgive her, and avoid arguing with her. If she's angry, let her be angry, just don't kindle her anger if you can help it. She's a woman and she's going to hold on to this for a long time, or at least until she learns how to forgive and forget. You know what the worst thing you could say to her is? "Well you always bring this up..." Seriously, LET HER! Just say I'm sorry and move on.

Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong. (1 Corinthians 16:13 KJV)

Anywho, you got what you need. I hope you'll be prayerful about this, and let the Lord do the work in your wifes heart. Oh, another thing, perhaps you should get some good books like "The Case for Christ" or "More Than Just a Carpenter" and leave them around somewhere as if you just got done reading them. God will use those things like a seed to spark her curiousity. Tracts are way to obvious and will likely just irritate her.

Oh and I still believe you should be going to an Independant Fundamental Baptist church on Sunday. I know that might be risky at this point, but I think it would give you something to use latter on when things smooth over with your wife. When she's calmed down over this stupid car issue you can start inviting her to church with you (Lord willing it will be one of the few churches that still does invitations and actually cares about winning souls to Christ...). Another reason for this is that YOU need the church. You shouldn't be going online and complaining about your marriage. You should be in fellowship with Bible believers who can share in this with you and offer up their prayers with you. You have no idea how priceless that is.

Well, that's all I got. Know that I'm still praying for her.

Much Love in Christ,
Stephen

the point of counseling is to get a mediator. That way they can talk without arguing, screaming, and fighting.

Stephanos are you married?

*hears Jeopardy song playing in background*

Sometimes it's imperative to find common ground and establish communication within a relationship; while it would be awesome to have a King James preaching Baptist pastor do the work, sometimes it's best to pick your battles down the road when it comes to getting into a church. Beating a woman over the head over something like counseling is the worst thing that could happen in this situation; in contrast, it would, like chette777 said, be best to just focus on counseling and forming a relationship basis before pushing into church attendance and other things.

Wives are delicate things and should be handled with great care and wisdom. Sometimes a bit of compromise is necessary to work things out within a marriage.

Nope, but I have a copy of the Holy Bible and a two parents that have made their marriage work. I've also seen numerous couples go through what MrSmith is going through. I've seen how some made it through the difficulties, and how some didn't.

Chette777, your ad hominem is counter productive here. If the words I shared with MrSmith are in error, then please advise. If not...

I understand the point of counseling. I'm not completely against it (though I, like Pastor David Peacock, don't think it's a pastors job), I just believe that it might be counter-productive at this point in there relationship.

This is addressed to MrSmith; if you do decide to go ahead with "counceling" perhaps it would be wise to keep it within your home. Have a good Bible believing pastor come to your home for dinner or what have you, and then take it to the couch for a "mediated" discussion.

But you see, here's the issue that I've been trying to get at. MrSmith hasn't been attending church. He doesn't have a strong relationship with a Bible believing pastor at the moment. This is one of the reasons I suggested he get involved in a church. Not only would it allow this sort of relationship to develop, it might just open a future door for his wife to get to know some of the ladies at the church who could help her understand her husband ^_^.

For Jesus' sake,
Stephen

I have read Mr smith's discourse. If Mr Smith is a real person and this is a real situation and not some internet sham. His wife is about to leave him. I have seen this before many times. and if he doesn't do something quickly he will be heart broken. this is about his relationship and his possibility to save it.

I know you have good intentions Stephenos.

But I know the signs and she is on the verge of breaking away from this relationship and it will happen quickly when it happens.

So Mr Smith if you are genuinely serious about saving your marriage there needs to be some give and take here and some very delicate diplomacy on your part to get her to change her heart and get her back on the track to a happy marriage. what you have been sharing tells me your marriage is already pretty much over as far as relationship. in a short time she will be gone physically.

So get right with the Lord, pray earnestly for wisdom,seek out someone in your area for counseling. Internet counseling for you only does no good at this point. If you will let her talk and get it out and see what is happening.

Plus, you have not given us a full picture of what has been going on for the last year or two of this relationship and I believe it goes much deeper than what you have been sharing with us and it began at least a year ago.

We all here will be praying for you.

Thanks Chette. I to agree with you in your assessment. MrSmith needs to tread prayerfully and carefully from now on.

Peace and Love,
Stephen

Good advice, brother Chette! :thumb:

Im a real person, this is no sham. whats a sham???. But anyway.
I have mustard seed faith. actually alot more than that. DONT NOT TAKE THIS AS ME BEING HATEFUL. im not concerned with her leaving. If she leaves its not gonna hurt as bad as you may think. im as tired of her as she may be with me. My thing is following the Lord. Its not my will im looking for, But the Will Of The Lord. I do love her, I will jump in front of a bullet for her, but im never gonna try and keep someone that doesnt want to be there. I will follow the Lords Love guide and if we are to be together, Bless The Lord, and if we arent. Bless The Lord.

I read the word, then speak the word and then praise The Lord in advance for what he's getting ready to do. lately Ive been just seaking Gods way. trying to bridle my tongue. even when I feel shes dead wrong, I treat her like an enemy and show her love and concern. (not thats shes the enemy) this hurts. because i wanna say things that are on my mind, yet if i say anything i feel. It's gonna come back and bite me. whether im right or wrong. my thing is to keep my mouth closed, bless God for his wisdom and understanding and wait on The Lord.

you are so right. theres been tones of things going on. but its beginning was in 2000. after my son was born.
everything went down hill from there. first, we didnt know each other more than 3 months before pregnant and then 6 months before marriage. I was a backslider and she hadnt even played on the sliding board. the problems happened when we finally started to get to know one another. we didnt like who we really were. now im sold out for the gospel and its been a war. I aint giving up.

A sham is a fake, false cover, an imposter, a fraud

2Cor 7:12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.

is God's will for you with her. continue as we will to pray for her. Show her the Love you just shared with us. Love covers a multitude of sin. Get some local help to get you guys communicating correctly

Just give up and take her to a nice place for dinner. Her favorite place preferably.

Well how about this? I just found out shes having ANOTHER afair :tsk: Im not sure of what to do, but I know one thing. Im not gonna let her know I know.

It honestly makes me want to run off. really it does. But I'll continue to praise The Lord whether the situations good or bad.

the only right to divorce is sexual immorality. you have had the right to divorce her since she had her first affair. Get your things in order and get a good Divorce Attorney. If you care for your child get custody of them

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 KJV)

Just keep trusting Jesus, MrSmith.

Concerning her unfaithfulness I'm going to let others comment on this new development. I'd like to encourage you, though, to seek the advice of brothers and sisters who have been through what you're going through. This is why you should be attending a Bible believing church. You're going to need them now more than ever. Also, I'd like to continue to exhort you to keep your nose in God's Word. All of the answers to the struggles you're going through are within its pages.

Your servant in prayer,
Stephen

Thanx family. Im in Gods Face. Its gonna be ok. It make me sad but its gonna be ok. Im trying to learn how to Bind. The Word says whatever i bind on earth will be bound in heaven.

What? Learn to bind? Are you hanging out with charismaniacs? Brother, you need to get yourself into a King James Bible believing Baptist church!!!! For the love of God!

Stephen

Grace, Bro. Stephen, grace. :)

MrSmith, "binding" is a specifically Apostolic gift that was done away with during the book of Acts, along with Prophesy (for the most part, other than John and Revelation), Healing and Speaking in Tongues. The "binding" was given to Peter who at the time held the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven, but when the Jews rejected Christ one last time at the stoning of Stephen, God completely revoked His plan to deal exclusively with Israel at that time and included the Gentiles and made them a part of His body, the Church.

I do agree with Bro. Stephen, though: you really, really need to find a good King James Bible believing church, get in, stay in, and let the Holy Spirit ground you in the knowledge of Christ and the Book.

Thanks. Just found out. this forum isnt the place I need to be. Thats all I use is the king James Version. Sorry to say that I still believe that God didnt do away with any gift he offers His children. Than for all your conversation. To God be the glory for each and everything great.

Brother, I would be careful: you must learn to Rightly Divide the Bible (2 Tim. 2:15) and understand where doctrine lines up in scripture and to whom it applies. God didn't tell you to build a boat (Genesis 6), nor did He tell you to sacrifice a lamb on an altar, so taking His command to a group of pork-abstaining, circumcised, temple-worshiping Jews to heal, cast out demons and "bind" doesn't make a whole lot of sense either.

This is neither the time nor the place to get into all the doctrinal nitty gritties, as you're having a rough time of it, but the Sign Gifts were only to and for the Jews: every time that something like that happened, there was a Jew present, and God was using that occurrence to teach that Jew something. If you'll stick around, perhaps Bro. George, Bro. Parrish, myself and others can show you where the sign gifts fit into the Biblical timeline, but I understand that now might not be the best time to get into all that.

God bless you brother, and I hope that you make it back by God's grace.

Oh come on now MrSmith, don't be so thin skinned. You must understand my frustration. I've prayed for you and your wife every night on my face, hoping God would direct you to brothers that can help you grow in the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. We all have invested a lot of time trying to help you get the answers you need. Then you come around and say that you're learning to bind! Next, you'll be telling us you can heal and speak in tongues and pick up rattle snakes. We need to hear from you that you are actually listening to what we're saying to you here. You've come to these forums and poured out your heart to us on your marriage difficulties, and not one of us told you that this wasn't the place to be doing so. We all recieved you, loved you, and tried to guide you along. But you've not reciprocated ONE BIT by heeding the wise words some of the other brethren have given you. You can ignore me, that's fine. I'm just a young buck that doesn't know what he's talking about. But what I do know is that I love and care for you and your family. I have chosen every word I've written very carefully so as to get you to make the changes in your life that you need to make in order to grow in Christ.

*sigh* :pray:

You frustrated prayer servant in Christ,
Stephen

Mr. Smith, might be into New age Religion.
Many people are following these Church's that have changed.
It's terrible that preachers lead their flock in the wrong way.
I pray God would strike down those preachers.

Seems he may be looking for something to stimulate his emotions in a more positive way that would explain why might be involved in one of these neo evangelical name it and claim it Jesusize (jazzersizre) adrenaline pumped up churches.

Here too, they have the people trapped in what I term as an addiction to extremism. most these people have to have devils cast out every few months, they are emotional wrecks and not very stable mentally and a majority of the church members of this one group are like that.

I am praying for those who fall away to find our church.

I too will pray for them Brother, the emotional state that people are left in after a Charismatic meeting is quite frightening and alarmingly similar to that of a drug induced high at a concert or club, with the high comes a low, an emotionally (and spiritually) drained feeling, we go to Church to be in fellowship and to Worship God and his Holy Word and leave filled, not to leave in an emotional mess. I can clearly see satans hand in those churches / meetings, I pray that those entrenched in it may also have their eyes opened to it.